sometimes,

the people who you thought would be there for you when you needed them the most,

are the people who have let you go.

"Nicole paint, I promise you; I will provide." - Your Heavenly Father'

father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us.

They say its supposed to be a good test,

I hope what they say is right.

"Jesus Died For Us, And Jesus Died As Us" - Blair Phibbs

what happens after I die?

Answer

Heaven or Hell?

how do I get to heaven?

Answer

by doing good?

Wrong...

So many people believe that if they do good things in their lives, and even if they have done bad things, the good things, weigh itself out to benefit them in the long run. This is a twisted way of thinking and believing that this is how I'am going to get into heaven and the thing is so many people have believed in this lie.

The movie "courageous" has a perfect example of why doing good things is how you get into heaven... here it is:

it goes something like this..

Say a man committed a crime and killed your sister. The man went to court and the judge states"sir you have committed a crime and you have killed a human, somebody's sister, wife and daughter, you are going to jail." The man turns to the judge and says, no don't make me go. and the judge says, "why who are you to not deserve your consequences."

At this moment your sitting there thinking to yourself, this man killed my sister he deserves his punishment.

but the man turns to the judge and says.... "I know I made a mistake, but judge I have done more good in my life than I have done bad."

If you were this girls sibling, would you let this man go free because he has done more good than bad?

No.

What makes you think that Jesus, will let you in past the heavenly gates if you have done more good in your life than bad?

For the first time, in a long time;

I think I have found the place I'm supposed to be

even though I'm not there yet.

Everyone is afraid to admit who they used to be, sometimes that's all we need.

People's life stories can save people's lives.

"An alcoholic is a person who gets into a wrestling match, stands in the middle of the ring and try's to fight but always gets beat up no matter how many times, it never fails. "

'even on my weakest days, i get a little bit stronger'

'It's okay, to not be okay.'

Dear Daughter,

If you are in a dark, uncertain place right now in life,

know that I am there. I will give light to your eyes and bring relief to your situation.

-Your Heavenly Father

set me free lord, just set me free; that's all I ask .

"Nicole you are bright and shiny to me, there is not one speck of dirt on you"

I never used to think that everything happens for a reason, I always considered that as just a saying; but now looking at my life and putting all the peices back together I have realized that everything does in some odd way happen for a reason. Do we know that reason right away? No.

But as time passes, something beautiful comes from our regret and our mistakes, something beautiful rises from the ashes. So when I say things happen for a reason, that is exactly why.

God Never Gives Us Anything That We Can't Handle'

tonight, i felt myself as someone else

i just want out; out of this place where ive lost all control.

so where do we go from here?

Sometimes, the only way you can find yourself; is to start all over.

Thank you "Fake Ugg Boots" for proving my wonderful best friend wrong- when she said she would never become friends with "the ugg boot girls."

<3

waiting;

"glycoproteins"

Today I sat at work with a text book in front of me and a package of notes I was trying to understand. I was trying to understand the "Anatomy of Cells." I don't know about you, but I always hated in high school having to memorize the structure and functions of a cell. So why am I putting myself through this in College? If it's a calling from God, I'm not really sure anymore. God works in mysterous ways, and we need to trust in him to make our paths straight.

As I was reading a page from my textbook, I read a fact; "Glycoproteins act as "tags" in the cell so that the cells can be recognized by other cells." At this moment, a thought had entered my mind. A thought that I was sure was from God. I rewinded for a second and reread the fact about glycoprotiens, and again had kept the same thought. From here I wasn't sure what God was saying, was I really reading about the anatomy of cells, or was I now reading about an obvious life for jesus and walking in the presence of God. How do these two things come hand in hand?

I tried to put the pieces together. This is what I got when the puzzle was actually complete.

So pretend you are a glycoprotein, now what is your purpose?
Your purpose is to act as tags in the cells so that the cells can be recognized by others. Here is the ultimate question; as a human, How do other people recognize you? What does your tag say about you, that makes you recognizable for others? What have you allowed your tag to say?

In reality their are a ton of things that could be written on your tag, a ton of things people recognize you by. In biology a red blood cell would have a tag saying "red blood cell" so that other cells could recognize it by others. Now in life, our tags are a little different than in the case of biology, tags such as : actress, musician, and artist are some examples. Or we may have allowed other things to be our tags.
There are also tags that other people have stuck on us, like a sticky note on the back of your shirt saying "kick me," only we are completely oblivious and unaware that it is there.
Tags like: whore, slut, weak, fat, too skinny, ignorent, stuck up, dumb, gay, jesus freak, ugly or bible thuper.
Those are not who you are, those are not tags that are supposed to be recognizable by others. These in fact are all lies from the enemy. A tag that the enemy has stuck on your back, and a tag that you have believed in.

Now on a different note, lets talk about how this relates to a christian, a follower of God.
Again, What does your tag say?
Do people recognize you as a son or daughter of christ, who will lay anything and everything down. and surrender everything for one thing; their mighty and powerful father in heaven?

Or do people read your tag as a christian who isn't different from the world at all, a christian who is still stuck in the vision of the world and has avoided the vision of God. A person living 2 different lifes all at one time. One who is hiding their identity in christ through out the week, and then on sunday laying it all down?

"Glycoproteins act as "tags" in the cell so that cells can be recognized by others."
So what does your tag say, how are you percieved by others?

A child of God should have a tag, one very apparent for people to recognize. It should be obvious that you love Jesus, and you surrender your all to him. It should be apparent that you have a firm and loving walk with God. This kind of tag should not be hidden, it should not be tucked away during the week and brought out on sunday services, this tag should be visible 24/7 for the world to see. This tag isnt just a statement, It's not just proof, this tag is hope, love, freedom, grace, comfort, and faith. So don't hide it from the lost and hungry world surrounding you.

Remember, "What ever you lose in this world, you gain in the kingdom." Weither that be friends, or family, no matter what; a loss in this world is another gain in the kingdom.

What do you want your tag to say?
How do you want people to recognize you?

"When the enemy tries to remind you of your past, remind him of his future."

...put a fire in my belly and a river in my mouth lord.

"He's calling, wake up child, it's your time to shine, you were born for such a time as this."

You don't know me, & you don't even care.

isn't so sure what to do at this point.

reading back, "I haven't heard from you in a while" and then no response seems to be all that it ever was.

maybe this person I have been lately, is just someone who is making one of the things I love feel so distant from me, and so tonight I have realized.

maybe this person I have recently been trying to live as, is someone who is just trying to avoid the pain and the loneliness of his non existent love, and so tonight I have realized.

maybe this person I have been lately, is just someone who thinks everything is okay, when really all she is doing is pushing her reality away, and so tonight I have realized.

I need to find myself again.

"The ocean is my only medication."

he doesn't understand, or maybe he has a full understanding.

i think that there is a reason for everything, but for some reason i can't find any reason that could ever add up to this.

if i were to try to say it in words, they'd come out too violent.

I'm just searching, that's all.

people who live with two parents, and have a complete family with no divorce are very lucky, especially in this day and age. You don't know how much of a gift it is, and to think some people take it for granted.

"But the blood in your veins,

as you carry his name;

turns thinner than water."

I thought I was ready, But I don't think I am anymore.

Birthday Card- from my beautiful grandmother

Best Birthday Card I Have Ever Been Given...

Life Legacies
thoughts for my grandaughter on her birthday

Live Deep
never stop learning, playing, or finding wonder in the world around you.
live the length of your life, but live the depth of it as well.

Travel Light
there is no use in carrying around worry and regret.
they only weigh you down.
always keep yourself open to hope and to love.
they give us wings.

Forgive Imperfections
in yourself and others.
imperfections keep things interesting.
they're the cracks where the light shines through.

Own Beautiful Things
and not just to keep in the drawer,
tucked away for a perfect day.
surround yourself with things that make you happy,
that remind you of the beauty all around us
if we only keep our eyes open to it.

Make Mistakes
follow detours. sometimes it takes an unexpected turn to help us find the life
that is waiting for us around the bend.
trust yourself and the path that is meant for you.

Take Care Of Yourself
and sometimes that means
you need the ice cream.
be good to your body,
but also to your ind and spirirt.
you're the only one who can.

And Always, Always Know You Are Loved.
you are a gift to this world
and a blessing to me.
and that will never change.

"Where we gonna go from here."

What if there was no such thing as change?

We always say that things are changing, or I've changed, or you have changed. And we say it in a way where we are not proud of. Or we feel less fortunate to have changed.

What if there was no such thing as change?

What if the leaves never changed color, and the seasons never changed?
What if you never grew, and what if you never aged?
What if there was no such thing as birthdays because those are changes in your lives.
What if music never changed, movies, shows and commercials?
What if the sky never changed?
What if the time never changed?
What if art never changed?

What if people never changed?

Things would be boring, un exciting and dull.
If the leaves never changed color than the trees would be less beautiful to look at.
If the seasons never changed than we wouldnt have more than one season.
If we never aged than no body would know how old we are.
If we didnt have birthdays, than there would be no such thing as "Age."
If music never changed, movies, shows and commercials than less dreams would come true.
If the sky never changed than there wouldnt be anything exstravigant about it.
If the time never changed, than there would be no moving forward, we would be frozen.
If are never changed than there would be less artists, and more boundaries.

If people never changed than we could be stuck in a good world, or a bad world. There wouldnt be hope for those who lost themselves in this world. We wouldnt be able to make things better, or become a better person if we couldnt change.
We would be stuck in who we were in our past. There would be no moving forward.

"If you're running fear is going to chase you, but the second you turn around and chase fear, fear runs"
-Dani Johnson

"Nicole, You Need To Forgive Your Father, For The Sake Of Your Husband"
-Anonymous

my zebra painting :)

Africa

Poverty is always going to be different depending on circumstances and peoples situations. I hear people say they are poor, they have no money. No money to us is having enough to get by, having money in the bank, food on the table and a good wardrobe. A car, as well with money to pay for gas. We get frusterated when we think we don't have enough money for college, or university. When we realisticly are "rich". We can spend money on things we want, and yet say we are too poor, and we CAN'T AFFORD. I find myself here too, I say I have no money, but yet at the end of the day I fall asleep and my tummy is satisfied. In the beginning of each day I slip clothes on, and I step into a pair of the many shoes I own and start my day.

Tonight I tried to picture myself fitting into someone else's shoes, someone who lives in poverty. I read something that an old African Lady wrote about Poverty and it changed me. Her poverty is different than my poverty, completely different, when I thought about it more, and compared to her words, I don't even feel right anymore saying I'am poor, or I can't afford. After reading her words, I felt rich. I'm not saying this to brag or anything, I'm saying this becasue it actually broke my heart. We are all rich, but yet we fret so much about money. I am rich because my life doesn't come close to comparing to what this lady has to say... I feel broken because my heart wants to help people in Africa. I would love to go to Africa and help people there who have lost hope.

Here is her life changing words...

"I know poverty because poverty was there before I was born and it has become part of life the blood through my veins. Poverty is not going empty for a single day and getting something to eat the next day. Poverty is going empty with no hope for the future. Poverty is getting nobody to feel your pain and poverty is when your dreams go in vain because nobody is there to help you. Poverty is watching your mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters die in pain and in sorrow just because they couldn't get something to eat. Poverty is hearing your grandmothers and grandfathers cry out to death to come take them because they are tired of this world. Poverty is watching your own children and grandchildren die in your arms, but there is nothing you can do. Poverty is watching your children and your grandchildren share tears in their deepest sleep. Poverty is suffering from HIV/AIDS and dying a shameful death but nobody seems to care. Poverty is when you hide your face and wish nobody could see you just because you feel less than a human being. Poverty is when you dream of bread and fish you never see in the day light. Poverty is when people accuse you and prosecute you for no fault of yours but who is there to say some to you? Poverty is when the hopes of your fathers and grandfathers just vanish within a blink of an eye. I know poverty and I know poverty just like I know my father's name. Poverty never sleeps. Poverty works all day and night. Poverty never takes a holiday." (an old african woman)

Lately Africa has been on my heart, and in the bible, it clearly says "There is surly a future hope for you, and that hope will not be cut off."
There is a hope for these people, God never wants things like this to happen, and I truly believe that we are all here to help them. To let them know that there is hope.

"We are acustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Francois de la Roche Foucald

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

And know that there is hope and there is love for you;

there is love for you, there is love for you here in my arms.

It's weird when you take a moment and you think about the people who were once in your life, and are now out of your life now.
It's weird to think about and wonder where they are right now, and what their own lives have become.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
It's weird to realize that you used to know them so well and now they are complete strangers.

I've learned to never give up on your dreams, even if they seem near to impossible. So today, I won't give up & instead I will hope, because I know that someday they will come true. God you know my dreams&hopes, so I place them in your hands and now I will wait.

I wish that you never had to go.

I miss you.

I don't think we realize how blessed we are enough.

I think to many times we are saying sorry, rather than thank you's

too many times we twist the lies rather than telling the truth

We try to picture ourselves as a better version, rather than actually doing something to become something better

I don't think we thank God enough for giving us this life, and for giving us so many chances

I think we feed off of drama and fighting, but should instead feed off of love

I think we underestimate ourselves too much, rather than believing in ourselves and giving ourselves a chance,

we balance ourselves on a thin rope, and measure ourselves by only the mistakes we have made,

instead of the accomplishments we have obtained.

We help people, so our reputation doesn't get lost, instead of helping people from your heart,

We try so hard to fit in, because we are afraid to be different and stand out

We don't always appreciate things for what they are, instead we are always trying to change them,

Too many times we miss things in life that have the most meaning, because we are too caught up in the world

So many times we judge strangers who are really exactly like us

We forget who we are

and we lose ourselves in the strangers that we become.

Times- Tenth Avenue North

i know i need you i need to love you i love to see you, but its been so long i long to feel you i feel this need for you' and i need to hear you is that so wrong? now you pulled me near you when we're close i fear you still im afraid to tell you all that i've done are you done forgiving? or can you look past my pretending? Lord im so tired of defending what ive become what have i become? i hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between the times you doubt me, when you cant feel the times that youve questioned "is this for real? the times youre broken, the times that you mend the times you hate me and the times that you bend well my love is over, its underneath its inside, its in between these times your healing and when your heart breaks the times that you feel youve fallen from grace the times your hurting the times that you heal the times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal in times of confusion, and chaos and pain im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame im there through your heartache im there in the storm my love i will keep you by my power alone i dont care where youve fallen, where you have been ill never forsake you my love never ends, it never ends

I'm watching my world pass me by;
And I feel like everything has changed everything is different now.

I'm Starting to forget about who you are; or maybe i've just always had the idea of you, and I never really knew you.

I woke up this morning and I thought, What's the point
But then I thought about how I got here;

& I'm wondering if I can ever bring you back

If only everytime I opened my eyes, I could see everything as beautiful

If only everytime I opened my eyes, all the lies, suffering and darkness could be taken away

Then maybe I could see everything as more beautiful

Without you; was never something I chose,

It was something that you chose

volleyball

I live for volleyball, theres no feeling in the world that compares to the rush I get when I take those first few steps onto the court.
Or when you give everything you have and you lay it all out on the court, nothing compares to that kind of rush.
Winning isnt everything though, growing as a team and giving everything you have to work together and push for points is what counts, it's truly what makes you individually and as a team stronger.
When one falls we together pick each other up, and what our mistakes were suddenly become lessons, and stepping stones for us to become stronger. Together.
A lot of the bobcats, my teammates have been playing together for 7 years. And together we have grown and honestly playing volleyball has not only made me stronger as an individual but it has taught me about how no matter what you have to push for points, and you have to lay everything out on the court and just give it your all, you have to push in life, you can't just stand and wait for something to come your way, you cant just stand on the court and watch the ball drop. It's your time.

I can't fully express what the feeling is exactly when I play volleyball, but honestly, it's like nothing else in the world matters in that moment, Win or lose, together we fight, and we learn and we grow. And the whole idea of a team means so much to me. I'm going to miss playing with these girls, because I've played with them for so long, it won't be the same without them.

Tonight the bobcat's played a swossa game, and everything we practiced and learned during our season came out onto the court tonight. Even though we didn't come home with the Swossa title, we came home with memories of playing our game, volleyball and not giving up.
The first game, with little knowledge about the other team, only playing them once in grade 10 for swossa and winning. We pushed and we played the game volleyball like we have never before. The first game was close, but lajeunesse lead with one win, 25 to 21. We did'nt let them decide there that they would win the next game, instead we faught. We won the second game 25 to 20. unfortunately in the third game we fell short by two and lajeunesse won 26 to 24. Realizing that they had 2 wins and we had 1, we still faught like hell on the court and we still pushed to the end, it was too close, lajeunesse ended the game with a 25 to 23 win.

Though we did not win to advance to offsaa we played volleyball, and thats what really matters.
I will never forget this night, and all the girls on this years 2010-2011 volleyball team.
It has been an amazing season.

Though we lost swossa we are travelling to florida this march break for a volleyball tourniment which i am really excited about! I can't wait.

Good season bobcats!

I'm tired of being who everyone else wants me to be, instead of the person I want to be.

Lost Chances

Lost Chance-

Written by Nicole Houston

I can hear the tears, as the dense waves crash over me

Lies fed into inocent astray lives, deminish me

I can feel the crys as they deprive my self-being

The pain as the rays burn them undesirably

From where I stand the winds over power me

I can see the hearts of many broken peices

The dirt filled rivers flowing within them

I can feel the atrocious division of faith

Evolving into something accustomed

I can touch the cutting words of destruction

Glance back to where they have brought me

I can taste the abominable fear of lives failing

But keep hope and relent that of nothing

I can see a life of drowning waters

Waves of multiple stories exotically exposing

Yet I rest here ambiguously hesitant

I say nothing but, I'm afraid

I prove nothing but of their own truth

I sink in the shallow waters, that enclose me

Of all the water encompassing me

Still, I thirst for an altered ending

For a beginning to even at all clench me

I can hear the waves convey;

You've lost this times chance

I can feel the tast of acrid guilt on my tounge

As the ocean waters fill my mouth

It's too late

closed.

This life is so short,
And in the end of it all, when the day comes, our life is just a story with an end.
We leave behind the people we love, the people who loved us. Our friends, our family.
Our past. We leave it all behind, we don't take anything with us.

This life is so short,
Our time here on earth is so limitted and we will never know or understand when someones time has ran out.
We will never fully understand why someone's story, someones book has closed.

It's crazy when you think about all of the things you work hard for, and all the things you get,
all the memories you make. All the money you have, the clothes you wear, the friends you make,
all of it. Everything that has become you.
Will be gone, your going to one day leave all of those things.

It's crazy.
You know?

How quickly things can change. When someone is taken out of this world, it affects everyone.
It's crazy how we dont realize certain things until something unbearable has happend, until someones story has ended.

It's crazy how thats when people really change.

Do you ever wish you could go back,

...................................................................

maybe then, all of this could be easier.